


please do not touch

by killthecouncil



Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, No Smut, Sharing a Bed, Touch-Starved
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-26
Updated: 2020-03-26
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:15:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,738
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23330764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/killthecouncil/pseuds/killthecouncil
Summary: Hanbin feels disgusting.“I hate when he touches me, I feel humiliated.”The second the camera turns off, he’s out of there.
Relationships: Kim Hanbin | B.I/Kim Jiwon | Bobby
Comments: 9
Kudos: 118





	please do not touch

**Author's Note:**

> I actually wrote this by first speaking into my voice recorder and then copying it down, so if there's a certain rambly quality to it, that's probably why lol

Hanbin feels disgusting.

Jiwon has just explained that he feels humiliated when Hanbin touches him, and now, Hanbin feels like dirt, like a disease, like a plague… That he’s forced upon Jiwon against his will. The guilt and self-hatred that well up within him are suffocating, and he doesn’t know that he can keep a neutral expression on his face for much longer. 

The second the camera turns off, he’s out of there. He stands up as calmly as he can. He lets Donghyuk pat him quickly on the back, smiles amicably and slowly begins to walk away. He has that feeling that you get when you’re trying to walk normally and that makes you feel like you’re stumbling forward, that your steps are too long or too short, too slow or too fast, unbalanced, and that you look like a deer that¨s just been born and is just learning to walk on its thin legs. He feels like everyone can tell that there’s something wrong with him. He feels like there  _ is _ something wrong with him- not that something has been done to him, but that he, inherently, is wrong. 

He flashes back to every moment that he’s touched Jiwon that he can remember, wonders what was going through Jiwon’s mind at the time. He’s said stuff like this before, but it was always clearly a joke. The way that he yelled it now sounded serious and Hanbin can still hear the echo of those words in his mind, unrelenting and neverending. 

_ “I hate when he touches me, I feel humiliated.” _

So it’s humiliating to be touched by him? Is it? Hanbin loves being touched, it’s the only thing that can calm his anxiety. He wonders if that makes him weird, if that makes him  _ wrong _ \- he knows that it’s unusual, and that he’s a bit more clingy than what the other guys really want to be putting up with, but he can’t help himself. He seeks assurance. He always feels a vague sense of discomfort when he realizes how much he’s been clinging to the other guys. He’ll be cuddled up to Donghyuk and suddenly realize that maybe Donghyuk wants to leave and he’ll back off, he’ll hide in his room sometimes, ignoring the emptiness roaring in his chest, the very silent void that feels like a scream in his mind, that demands attention, demands validation and touch.

He can’t do that anymore. It’s been vocalized in a very undeniable way now. 

Hanbin makes it out of the door slowly enough for it not to seem suspicious, based on lack of people calling for him- or maybe they just don’t want him not to leave. 

He feels like shit. He wants to hide, he wants to stay away, far, far away from Jiwon. He doesn’t know if he can face his hyung anytime soon. As he makes it into the bathroom and locks the door behind him he thinks he should never touch Jiwon again. Never bother Jiwon like that, not humiliate him with a mere touch again.

It hurts like few things do. It hurts an unbelievable amount. Slowly, he slides to the floor, bringing his legs up to his chest and hugging them tightly. His breaths are still coming out somewhat even but they’re small and he can’t make them any bigger. Perhaps he’ll run out of oxygen like this, he thinks. He hopes that he won’t. He doesn’t want the other guys to notice that anything’s wrong and if he doesn’t come back soon enough, they will. He can hear them moving around in the apartment, messing around, talking to the staff, helping the staff pack up their things so they can leave. Hanbin hopes they will leave soon. He wants as few people in his space as possible so they don’t have to see the pain in his eyes, so they don’t have to ignore it, which Hanbin imagines they would. It’s what people always do.

He sighs, rubbing his face, then pulling his hand away from himself and staring at it. He hates this hand, hates the way it’s constantly looking for another to hold when there’s none that want to hold it, hates that he now feels as if he’s reaching out over the edge of a cliff and is about to stumble, hates that he thinks that he’s already done so.

As he sits there, on the cold, tiled floor, he vows to leave Jiwon alone. To not bother him in that way anymore. To look for validation and love elsewhere. He keeps the tears from coming. He won’t succumb to the need within him, not even the platonic physical affection which is so very helpful to him but seemingly so awful to Jiwon. 

He won’t deny that he has romantic feelings for the other man, but that’s not what his touches were about. He wouldn’t do that, he wouldn’t use Jiwon to appease any kind of  _ desire _ , would feel way too guilty about it. He touches Jiwon as a friend, and now, as Jiwon’s friend, he will protect that friendship by no longer bothering Jiwon in that way that he so clearly doesn’t enjoy. He hopes that it will be enough.

He wonders if he should apologize for his previous transgressions. He wonders if he should bring it up. He really doesn’t want to. He doesn’t want to remind Jiwon of something that’s so clearly uncomfortable to him, something that’s clearly causing conflict between them. He doesn’t want it on Jiwon’s mind, doesn’t want attention brought to it. He will stop now, he will let it be a forgotten incident, a forgotten habit that no longer has any part in the relationship they have with each other.

Hanbin will feel worse for it, but their friendship will survive this way. 

Hanbin knows he’s been acting  **weird** recently, and he’s the only one who actually knows why. He refuses to bring it up, refuses to explain. He hopes that soon enough he’ll get used to it, used to the lack of contact, because not only has he stopped touching Jiwon, he’s stopped touching everyone else, just in case. Jiwon never told him to stop, not seriously, and Hanbin worries that the other guys are in the same boat, that they have been quietly putting up with Hanbin’s clinginess, seeking to accommodate him even though it made them uncomfortable. He hopes that it’s not true, but he wants to be on the safe side. Moreso it’s that, whenever he touches them, he’s reminded of Jiwon’s words and starts hurting all over again. 

Touching has become a very painful thing for Hanbin, and he hates it, he hates it, he hates it, but there’s nothing he can do about it now.

It’s been three days and he hasn’t touched a member since. They have patted him on the back, squeezed his shoulder; Jinhwan has tried to hold his hand but he pulled his own away before he could. He can’t do it.

Jiwon hasn’t noticed, or, if he has, he hasn’t said anything, or even given a worried glance, the way that Jinhwan occasionally does. Hanbin supposes that Jiwon is having a good time, is finally comfortable in their friendship and that, since there’s nothing to bother him anymore, he hasn’t given it much thought. Or, perhaps, he just doesn’t want to remind Hanbin of what things used to be like, in case he starts touching him again. 

But Hanbin won’t. Hanbin will leave Jiwon alone. Clearly that’s what he wants.

Hanbin’s seen the way Jiwon acts with the other members. The only member he’s more uncomfortable with than Hanbin is Junhwe, it seems, because Jiwon still sits very close to Jinhwan on the couch during movie night, still grabs Donghyuk’s shoulders to steady himself when he laughs too hard, still high-fives Yunhyeong, and pulls Chanwoo into his side to rub his hair. But he doesn’t do any of that with Hanbin, and it makes him feel like shit that he never noticed these obvious cues before. Never noticed that Jiwon never pulls him in close, that it’s always Hanbin initiating contact. 

He hates, he hates it, he hates it.

Jiwon

Hanbin has been acting weird recently, and Jiwon can’t figure out why. Every time Jiwon reaches out to him, with words or hands or whatever it might be, Hanbin steps away, looks away, walks away. It makes Jiwon worry, but he doesn’t to push, knows that Hanbin doesn’t like to be pushed- needs to process things at his own pace before he can even voice a thought about them. 

He’s noticed that it’s the same with the other members. That Hanbin isn’t as close to them as he used to be. Is avoiding them, perhaps, and he wonders if anything’s happened, if YG has said something or their managers have said something that’s making Hanbin depressed. It seems to be a problem he seems to have with all of the members, or maybe just with people in general, right now, or if it’s just a reaction to something else that’s manifesting in a very unfortunate way. Hanbin has sequestered himself away, into his studio, more hours than not, has stayed in his room more hours than not, where he usually would sit on the couch, pull Chanwoo close to him, hold Jinhwan’s hand, lean into Jiwon’s side. Jiwon kind of wants to admit that he misses it. He doesn’t know if it would help, doesn’t know what the problem is- but he will have to figure it out soon enough, because he’s getting worried. Jinhwan’s getting worried, Yunhyeong’s getting worried. He doesn’t know if the others are as well, but he imagines that they are. He can see the frown on Jinhwan’s face at breakfast, when Hanbin either isn’t there at all or is off in his own world, dodging any sort of conversation or other attention directed at him. He can see the urge to sigh that Yunhyeong suppresses lest it make Hanbin anxious that he’s done something wrong.

That’s what is difficult about Hanbin. When people are worried about him, he feels guilty. When people don’t have time for him, he feels inadequate. He’s clingy, but Jiwon doesn’t want to use that word because ‘clingy’ is generally used in a negative way and Jiwon really doesn’t mind the way that Hanbin acts. The way that Hanbin is. He’s learned how to deal with it, how to handle it, and how to help, and he knows that it’s not Hanbin’s fault. On the best days, it’s not even inconvenient- it’s kind of nice to have Hanbin curled up against him. Jiwon will admit that it’s different to any other member doing so. That it means more to him and makes him happier than it would if it were anyone else. And helping Hanbin calm down, or to remain calm, while not pleasant, makes Jiwon feel  _ needed _ . Right now, he doesn’t feel needed, because Hanbin has not come to him for help as he usually would, hasn’t told him what’s wrong even though he usually would, and Jiwon’s getting desperate.

He’ll have to talk to Hanbin eventually, he knows. And so he comes up with a plan.

Hanbin

Hanbin’s been spending a lot of time at the studio. It’s more his home than the dorms. He used to refer to the studio as his second home but now it feels like his only one, where he spends 40% of nights, 80% of days. Make that 60% of nights, as he goes home at four AM more times than not.

Trudging down the streets at 3:35 in the morning, hoping that no one’s waiting up for him- and they never are, which is good, Hanbin supposes. They need their rest, but he feels so unwanted, and he knows it’s stupid. His members don’t worry about where he is because they know where he is, they don’t have to worry about him when they know he’ll be fine, but… Hanbin doesn’t know that he’ll be fine. Hanbin doesn’t think that the other members should be sure that he’ll be all right, because something inside of him slowly splitting into more and more pieces, like a cell dividing except the pieces are getting smaller and smaller as they grow in number. 

He doesn’t know what to do. Soon enough he’ll have to confront this issue, sort out what to do about it, but he doesn’t know. This is the only solution he’s managed to come up with and it’s the only one that’ll really work, in his mind. But avoidance is not a solution, he knows that, it’s just what people seem to want from him. At least it’s what Jiwon wants from him. 

There’s a pang in his chest. There’s been many of those lately. The sound of heartache reverberates in the dark chasm that is his chest. 

Hanbin would describe the touch of another human as a flower blooming; color suffusing water, warmth radiating out into a cold room. It sets him alight in the best possible way. A simple brush of a hand or a pat on the back can be enough to cheer him up for the next half-hour. Hanbin imagines it’s unhealthy that he feels about physical contact the way some people feel about drugs, but there’s little he can do about it now, or ever. It’s this need that he feels so alone in experiencing, to this extent. Why is there no one else like this? Doesn’t anyone else have this problem? Why is everyone just  _ fine _ without this when it feels like he’s going to suffocate after just two weeks of not-even-solitude?

He hates it. He really does. But he can’t bring himself to feel enough passion to truly hate it, he’s just tired. He’s tired and he’s sad, all the time, and he doesn’t know what to do about it. The word ‘humiliated’ echoes through his mind still. It won’t leave him alone. 

It’s 3:46 when he reaches the dorms. The second he steps inside, he sees Jiwon resting on the couch and he thinks, oh. And then Jiwon looks at him and smiles and stands up and Hanbin realizes that he’s waiting for him and he thinks,  _ oh _ .

This is what he wanted, isn’t it? What he was just thinking about, but now he’s unsure. He wants Jiwon to go to bed,  _ he _ wants to go to bed and he knows he can’t, because Jiwon has something to say and Jiwon won’t let anyone keep him from doing so, not even Hanbin.

“There you are”, Jiwon says, smiling broadly. “I’ve been waiting up for you.”

“It’s almost four in the morning”, Hanbin says, “you should be asleep.”

Jiwon gives a sheepish smile and runs his hand through his hair. “I know, but I needed to talk to you.”

“You could do that in the daytime.” He doesn’t want to have a conversation right now, he feels so lonely, so sad, so tired, so  _ vulnerable _ , in front of Jiwon and he just wants to go to sleep and gather his bearings before he confronts him. Speaking to Jiwon in the middle of the night is difficult because Hanbin doesn’t know how much he can hold back, how much emotion he can really hide when he’s this tired. He supposes that that’s what Jiwon was looking for: he, if anyone, would know how emotionally open Hanbin gets at nights, and of course he’d use it to his advantage. 

“Sit down”, Jiwon says, getting reseated on the couch. Hanbin slowly sits down on it, but he sits tensely on the edge, waiting. “Aish, come here, I haven’t seen you in a long time, you know?” Jiwon says, beckoning him closer.

Hanbin purses his lips and shrugs, moving an inch or two closer to Jiwon, who’s leaning against the backrest of the couch, smiling- but it looks forced. Hanbin wonders if he’s the one making Jiwon uncomfortable. He doesn’t know what this talk is supposed to be about, and he hopes it’s nothing serious- but why else would Jiwon wait up for hours? He hopes it’s, at least, not his fault again. He’s tired of making Jiwon uncomfortable. He wants to make someone happy, for once.

“Ah, come on”, Jiwon says, finally grabbing on to Hanbin’s arm and pulling him closer. “What’s going on with you? Why are you like this right now?”

“Like what?” Hanbin asks, somewhat muffled since his face is half-buried in the fabric of the massive hoodie that Jiwon’s wearing. “I’m not being like anything.”

“You are!” Jiwon insists. “You’re avoiding all of us and I don’t understand why. We can help you, you know. What happened?”

“Nothing.”

“You and I both know that’s not true, just tell me. I can help you.”

“You can’t.” Hanbin feels like a stubborn child but he won’t budge. He just wishes he’d sound less childish, less needlessly stubborn. He wonders if he  _ is  _ being needlessly stubborn.

“Come on, just tell me what’s up. Really, just do it. I want my Hanbin back.” 

‘My Hanbin’ feels like a flower blooming; color suffusing water, warmth radiating out into a cold room. But he suppresses it, knows that’s not welcome. 

“I’m right here”, he says, knowing that’s not what Jiwon meant.

“No, you’re not”, Jiwon says. “You’re in there.” And he taps his fingertips against Hanbin’s temple. “And you refuse to come out. I’m getting worried about you.”

Hanbin wonders why he’s been pushed into Jiwon’s chest. How Jiwon is okay with this, why Jiwon is doing this. Has he noticed? Has he understood what the problem is? Is he trying to make up for it? Is Jiwon uncomfortable right now and only holding Hanbin because he thinks it’s what he should be doing?

“You don’t have to touch me”, Hanbin says, silently. He half-hopes that Jiwon didn’t hear him. It’s way more of an admission than he’s really intended to make.

“What?” Jiwon says. “What do you mean?”

Hanbin supposes that he’s come this far- he might as well just say it. “I know me touching you makes you uncomfortable. You don’t have to.”

“Is that what this is?” Jiwon asks. “Where’d you even get that idea?”

“You said so. You said it makes you feel humiliated.”

“Oh,  _ Hanbin _ , I didn’t mean that. I was just messing around, okay? I don’t mind at all.”

Hanbin doesn’t believe him. He imagines that Jiwon just feels guilty about making him sad and is trying to make it up to him. “Really, you don’t have to”, Hanbin insists.

“Hanbinnie, I’m not forcing myself. I like being close to you. I was just messing around ‘cause I thought our fans would think it was funny. But after people saw it I read some comments that weren’t happy about it and they said you looked sad. I couldn’t see it so I dismissed the idea because I didn’t think you’d take me seriously. I’m sorry.”

“Really?” Hanbin still has doubts. He’s spent two weeks in a cloud of doubt, feeling like he’s suffocating, and now Jiwon’s telling him the very opposite of what he’s assumed this whole time- or, has been led to believe? He wants so, so badly to believe Jiwon but he’s not sure he can. The insecurities have festered and they won’t leave him easily. 

“I promise you, I don’t mind. It doesn’t make me feel humiliated. I’ve been missing you, you know? For over a week now. I know you’ve been avoiding- actually, why have you been avoiding the other members?”

Hanbin can’t think of anything other than the truth. Maybe because he’s tired, maybe because he’s still so close to Jiwon and that makes it difficult to think. He can’t think of a lie so he decides to just admit the truth, even though it makes him feel worse. “I felt gross”, Hanbin admits. “I thought that maybe the other members thought the same but didn’t wanna say it, like you didn’t say anything before.”

“Oh, Hanbin…” Jiwon says with a sigh. “That’s not true at all. You’re not gross and the other members have been missing you a lot, you know? Jinhwan has been worrying his head off about you.”

“Ah”, Hanbin says, not know what he really should say. It feels like a single ray of sunshine peering in through a dirty window, if he were the cold, abanboned room within. He hopes he isn’t dreaming. Jiwon’s touch feels less suffocating and more warming the longer Hanbin spends in his arms. He wonders how long this actually will last. He feels like a dying man who’s just received water after a week of dehydration. 

Carefully, he moves closer, just a little bit. Jiwon’s arms tighten around him. “I think some hand-holding is in order”, Jiwon says, grabbing onto one of Hanbin’s hands, their fingers intertwining and Hanbin feels the warmth spread through his body. “I’m sorry I made you doubt yourself like that. I wish you would’ve come to me immediately, but I guess I see why you wouldn’t.”

“Mm.” Hanbin’s sure he can fall asleep just like this, almost sure that he actually will. It’s got to be past four AM, now. He doesn’t remember when he last slept. He imagines it’s been too long. But, that’s not the only reason. He’s never really felt as comfortable as he does with Jiwon. He’s okay with admitting that, at least to himself.

“How about we go to bed, yeah?”

“Mm.” Hanbin wants to pout, but keeps it down. He doesn’t want to part ways quite so soon. He wants to just sit here, forever. He realizes that Jiwon must have waited on him for several hours and feels something even warmer heat his chest. He feels… valued. It’s a feeling that he’s genuinely addicted to, but has denied himself for quite a while.

“Come on, we can go to my room.”

“Hmm?”

Jiwon doesn’t say anything, so Hanbin doesn’t either. He takes it as it is, and makes no complaints. 

They walk together into Jiwon’s room. Hanbin needs to brush his teeth, but he doesn’t feel like separating from Jiwon right now, and he’s way too tired to even consider getting up once he falls onto the bed. The second he lies down, there are arms wrapping themselves around him.

He’s asleep within minutes.


End file.
